THe Knocker upper

The Knocker Upper


Before the time of alarms to get you up for work, in the mining or mill towns and villages people were employed to go round houses to knock on your door and get you out of bed ready for work. The knocker uppers. This is a story of a knocker upper and a theft. Who did it?

Nicholas Knox, of Nottingham



Nicholas Knox – commonly known as Nick Knox – was employed at the shop of a knick-knack dealer in Nottingham named Nathan Knight, who was known amongst his friends as Nat Knight. Now as Nick Knox had to be up early at Nat Knight’s he engaged a knocker-up named Nicodemus Noakes, to knock him up. Nicodemus Noakes, familiarly known as Nicky Noakes, knowing that knocking up required a knack, engaged another knocker-up who happened to be knock-kneed, to knock him up, so that being knocked up, he could knock up Nick Knox.

Well, it happened that one morning the knock-kneed knocker-up, not knowing the time did not knock up Nicky Noakes, and Nicky Noakes, not being knocked up by the knock-kneed knocker-up, failed to knock up Nick Knox, so that Nick Knox, not being knocked up, was not at Nat Knight’s in time; thereupon Nat Knight knocked off some of the wages of Nick Knox, and Nick Knox next got even by nicking some of the knick-knacks belonging to Nat Knight. In addition to this, Nick Knox nagged Nicky Noakes for not knocking him up, and Nicky Noakes retaliated by knocking the knock-kneed knocker-up down, and the knocker-up who was knock kneed, being knocked down, felt knocked up.

Some people said that no knick-knacks had been nicked from Nat Knight’s; others could not say whether Nick Knox had nicked knick-knacks from Nat Knight, or Nicky Noakes had nicked the knick-knacks from Nick Knox, or whether the knock kneed knocker-up had knocked at the knocker of Nat Knight’s and next nicked his knick-knacks. But it was proved that knick-knacks had been nicked from Nat Knight, either by Nick Knox or by the knock-kneed knocker-up who never knocked up Nicky Noakes, the Nottingham knocker-up. The matter was taken before a magistrate.

Of course Nick Knox said that not having the knack, he had not nicked Nat Knight’s knick-knacks, and Nicky Noakes said that he had nicked nix from Nick Knox, and the Nottingham knock-kneed knocker-up next said that he had not nicked never no knick- knacks neither from Nat Knight, Nick Knox, nor Nicky Noakes; so the puzzle was to find out how Nat Knight’s knick-knacks had been nicked.

The magistrate said it was not for the jury to decide whether Nick Knox was as much to blame as Nicky Noakes, or whether Nicky Noakes was as bad as the knock-kneed knocker-up; the question was – had Noakes nicked? Or had Nick Knox nicked? Or were the knick-knacks nicked by the knock-kneed knocker-up? He would state the case clearly and lucidly – it was simply that the knock-kneed knocker-up had not knocked up Nicky Noakes, and the said Nicky Noakes, not being knocked up by the knock-kneed knocker-up, had failed to knock up Nick Knox, so that Nick Knox did not knock at the knocker of Nat Knight, the Nottingham knick knack dealer, in time; and next it was found that knick-knacks had been nicked from Nat Knight either by Nick Knox, Nicky Noakes or the knock-kneed knocker-up who had not knocked Nicky Noakes up.

The jury, finding the matter so simple, came at once to an arrangement which suited all parties, and so now the knock-kneed knocker-up has acquired the knack of knocking up Nicky Noakes, who in his turn knocks up Nick Knox, and Nick Knox next knocks at the knocker of Nat Knight, the Nottingham knick-knack dealer, in good time every morning.

Good God Margot, where the heck did that come from? Thank heavens for the good old alarm clock!